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Episode 33

"Amateur Night"

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(Morning, open in a room at the Bella Union. We see Morgan Earp sleeping with Tess. She is awake, watching Morgan sleep. The door opens and Con motions to her to get moving. Cut to the hallway, we see Leon exiting a room with Wyatt following. The Earps exchange looks and greetings all around and then leave.)

(Cut to the Bullock house as Seth and Martha are talking in the kitchen.)

Seth: One-third of six is two. The combination of the safe in the hardware store. Which you should commit to memory against eventualities.

Martha: As was threatened by the arrival of those men last night.

Seth: Yes. There are deeds, some 7% bonds, certificates, sundry receivables, one-third of six is two.

Martha: One-three-ought-six-two.

Seth: Yes.

Martha: The children and I are moving into the new schoolhouse today.

Seth: Good. (They smile and sit.) I'll walk with you.

(Cut to the new school, where Joanie and Mose are looking at a tree that stands in the middle of the room.)

Joanie: I wish we'd found out the last part for Mrs. Bullock to tell the children.

Mose: We did as best we could.

Joanie: (Studying the room) Does four desks to a row seem right?

Mose: Mmm, if not, they ain't nailed to the floor.

Joanie: You ain't seen Jane?

(Mose shakes his head, Joanie studies the room).

(Cut to the hotel as Hearst is meeting with his new troops as he drinks his morning tea)

Hearst: The camp is to know they're here. The camp is to know they're my employees. If this knowledge came first from some disruption of traffic in the thoroughfare, I would have no objection.

Leader: All right.

Hearst: And matters might deteriorate from there.

(Cut to the Gem saloon as Al descends the stairs. Dan and Jewell are at the bar. Davel is standing watch at the front door)

Al: Coffee!

Jewel: Ready.

Al: Well-positioned, Davey.

Davey: Yes, Sir, Mr. Swearengen.

Al: Eyeing them idlers outside Hearst's hotel.

Dan: Copperhead cocksucker Hearst, bringing in the fucking Pinkertons.

Al: Not much of a horserace, Dan, between the appetite for blood and fidelity to political conviction.

Johnny: Fucking Pinkertons!

Al: Do we have alternatives to enlisting reinforcements in Cheyenne?

Dan: I knew I should have stayed packed from four days ago.

Davey: Some bullshit's jumping off on the thoroughfare, Mr. Swearengen. (Al and the group walk out to the front porch to see the Pinkertons on horseback harassing people in the street, including a very muddy Mr Wu.)

Pinkerton1: Get out of my way.

Pinkerton2: Move it, old timer! (Mr. Wu tries to make his way down the street.) Get out of the way, Hop Lee!

Pinkerton1: Hang on. (He hits Wu with his hat.)

MrWu: Cocksucker!

Pinkerton1: Move along, ding-dong! Move along! Move along!

MrWu: Cocksucker!

Pinkerton1: Move along, ding-dong! (Another Pinkerton laughs. Mr. Wu falls to the ground.)

Al: Go get fucking Wu. (Johnny goes for Wu.) Question extant being, till reinforced, can we learn the ways of church mice? (Johnny helps Wu up. Wu pushes him off.) Call on Tolliver.

(Cut to the hotel where Hearst is still talking to the leader.)

Hearst: You will not mistake the newspaperman. He looks like a... big turtle. Published a letter meant to embarrass me. That I authored his discomfiture should come clear only as events accumulate.

Leader: All right.

(Cut to the Bella Union main room where Silas meets with Cy)

Silas: The top of my to-do list every morning, and every day gets away from me.

Cy: Anyways, here you are.

Silas: Here I am. Al's delegate, as far as him and you deal with Mr. Hearst.

Cy: Will you still if invited to sit or will it take me offering a meal?

Silas: I'd sooner not sit, Sir, and already ate. Only asking, ought I bear a message to Al?

Cy: Nothing comes to mind.

Silas: Horsemen come to camp by torchlight last night.

Cy: Tell Al as we didn't wake to the apocalypse, I suppose all we need fear is their Winchesters.

(Cut to the hotel dining room where Hearst is sitting with Lou nearby. He spots Jack entering and waves to him)

Hearst: The pillars of my existence who should know each other: (He waves Jack over) Mr. John Langrishe, my dear Aunt Lou Marchbanks.

Jack: With whose art I am most appreciatively familiar.

Hearst: Uh, Mr. Langrishe is now to my back, Aunt Lou, what you have long been to my belly.

Jack: I may say that so long as the nodals are quiet, that girth at the midriff, preached a sin by so many among the guardians of sacral well-being. Is absolved as a danger by me.

Lou: I've been heavy all my life.

Jack: Oh, I refer not at all to you, Dear Lady.

Lou: Salty, juicy ham this morning.

Jack: I must have it.

Hearst: The usual for me, Aunt Lou. (She nods and leaves) Sit sit sit sit.

Jack: Must I do so four times? (They laugh)

Hearst: Ah, my closest confidant in the camp is Aunt Lou, and I say that with every awareness.

Jack: Wonderful.

(A number of people stand in line for food, the "leader" stands in line with them)

Man: I guess I must have went invisible over night.

Leader: I saw you, Drummer.

Man: And yet you cut in front of me. (Leader stomps on the man's foot hard, he falls and is dragged out of the line.) I just knew you wouldn't be eating.

Jack: Did I not see the gentlemen who is still upright arrive in the camp last night?

Hearst: I believe I may have as well. I was on the porch of this structure, and you with Mr. Swearengen on his balcony. I believe he came in on horseback.

Jack: Not as a pedestrian, ironically, given his heavy-footed virtuosity.

Hearst: What did Mr. Swearengen make of the coming into camp of that man among his friends?

Jack: Do allow me, Mr. Hearst, as your corporal comfort's advocate, in this regard to be neutral. Let me show in your company on the subject of Al, no less rigorous a reticence than I exhibit with Al when addressing the subject of you. (Aunt Lou approaches with their food) Ah! My ham.

(Cut to the street, Alma is walking to the bank. As she arrives, Trixie is waiting on the boardwalk, as is a armed guard who's standing watch on the bank.)

Alma: Good morning.

Trixie: Morning.

Alma: Good morning, Louis. I hope your night was uneventful.

Louis: Yes, ma'am. Jim's late so I'll watch till he arrives.

Alma: Thank you. How have you been, Trixie?

Trixie: No complaints. As if anybody would give a shit. I come to put in some money.

Alma: I'm glad.

(Cut to the street outside No 10. Fields is wheeling Steve into the bar in a sort of a cart.)

Fields: Oh shit! You motherfucker! (He pushes harder and gets it inside the bar.)

Harry: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Fields: I ain't no Goddamn nurse! I gotta see to my business in this camp.

Harry: Tom's rules. You can't set if you ain't drinking.

Fields: He's buying for them that do. (He puts gold coins down on the table)

Harry: Yeah, uh, and what if he messes hisself? (NG puts more coins down)

Fields: For them that wipes him off. I ain't seeing him out. I ain't gonna fucking do it!

(Fields leaves, leaving the patrons to stare at stuperous Steve.

(Cut to the bank as Alma and Trixie are talking)

Trixie: You seem better of late at a distance than you appeared when last seen up close.

Alma: And now that you've seen me up close?

Trixie: I get the same impression, particularly of a clearness at the eye.

Alma: I am better. (Jack enters the bank)

Jack: Good morning.

Trixie: Anyways, (She takes some money out of her blouse) there's 12 bucks I deposit into my account. If the currency's counterfeit, my fucking Jew boss is the culprit. (She turns to leave.)

Jack: Do not, please, Madam, hasten your business or abridge it.

Trixie: I don't need no receipt. Trust the lady. (She leaves)

Jack: John Langrishe, Madam, of the Langrishe Theater Company.

Alma: How do you do, Mr. Langrishe?

Jack: Glad I'm well to bid you good morning. (they sit) I'd undertake two transactions. Deposit of $4,000 and the borrowing of like amount.

Alma: Those would seem at cross-purpose.

Jack: Theater types being perceived as transient, nomadic ... without stake, so to speak, in a place's particulars, my redundant undertakings would allay mistrust of my kind endemic in such camps as these. Oh. (chuckles, and picks up a bag from the floor.) No less weighty than my verbiage. (chuckles)

Alma: You have your loan, Mr. Langrishe.

Jack: A pleasure, Mrs. Ellsworth. (He gets up to leave, grabbing his hat.) By way of publicity, this evening we conduct an amateur night. I wish to state, unequivocally with this imposing gentleman as witness, (motions to Louis), I have no gossamer filament of doubt you have skills to delight and amaze.

(Cut to the hardware store, where the Earps are loading up their supplies into a wagon.)

Morgan: They have their fucking fun with you, and in the morning, they treat you like dirt.

Wyatt: (laughs) And you a fucking virgin...

Morgan: No, and not pretending to be.

Wyatt: To be wounded by her callous ways.

Morgan: All I'm saying is she could have been nicer, and those steerers more fucking polite. (The Pinkertons gallop past en mass, throwing up mud.) Assholes! (Morgan starts after them)

Wyatt: Hey, we got a timber lease to work. Get over there. (Seth is noting the disturbance)

(Cut to the Gem saloon, where Wu is drawing one of his stories at a table. Johnny watches closely.)

MrWu: Dinh. (He looks up at Johnny and pushes his sketch over. And holds his thumb up. Johnny studies the sketch and gives him a thumbs up back.)

Dan: Oh, yeah, I'm sure them scribblin's as clear as fuckin' rainwater to you, Johnny. He who was stymied by a couple of fucking X's and a Goddamn straight line. Winks, grins, gives Wu the big okay.

MrWu: Okay.

Johnny: If I recall the drawing you're referring to, I believe the straight line signifying the bar was first made out by me. As far as these pictures here, now I, not fathoming the full particulars, I feel I get the general drift.

Dan: You best trot upstairs with Johnny, Wu. Show Al your work is finished. But remember, Al, he ... he ain't near as quick as Johnny or fucking Jewel. No, Al might be confused and treat you to a fucking ass-kicking.

MrWu: Bok Gwai Lo. (He shakes his head and tries to brush some dirt off of his suit.Cut to Al's office, Al meets with Silas.)

Al: Well, what does Tolliver know of the guns come to camp?

Silas: Said he don't know nothing.

Al: And you fuckin' believe him, huh?

Silas: I think, I did. Felt like he's outside looking in.

Al: We ought to form a fucking club. (He steps out onto the balcony and sees Hugo Jarry riding down the street. He steps back inside.) Fucking Yankton's rejoined us for Christ's fucking sake? (Silas looks outside and Jarry sees him. He steps back in.)

Silas: Must have finished stealing from the Indians.

(Cut to the street, the Earps are driving their wagon out of town. As they pass a group of Pinkertons, one of them shouts)

Man: Wipe your ass, Hiram. It feels strange at first, but the shit protects against blisters. (Morgan jumps off. Wyatt stops the wagon.)

Wyatt: Whoa!

Morgan: Will you be here after work?

Man: If I am, will you suck my prick?

Morgan: Well, if you ain't, and a fella says Hiram's trying to find you, if he don't go on to call you a cunt, he's cutting the message short. (The man looks at the leader, who shakes his head "no".)

Wyatt: Let's go, Morgan.

Morgan: What, was it him that got you hooked on cocksucking?

Wyatt: Get on the fucking wagon.

Man: I'll be here, Hiram. Try some shit on them blisters.

Morgan: Let him fuck your ass. He may raise your pay a quarter. You might already be too loose. (Morgan hols up his hands to indicate the size of the man's ass-hole.) See you this afternoon.

(Cut to the hotel as Jarry is entering. Near the door, Doc is seeing to the man with the broke foot, who is laying on the floor. Richardson is supervising. Jarry steps around them and goes to the desk.)

Hugo: A room, if I may, unexposed to the gales which must blow through that hole above us.

EB: Mr. George Hearst, who is now the hotel's owner, put the hole in that wall.

Hugo: Enhancing not at all for me the prospect of a room in the hole's proximity.

Doc: Could I get a wheelbarrow or the like?

EB: Yes, Sir. Richardson! Wheelbarrow!

(Cut to the Chez Amie. Joanie is standing in the street, looking into the window, waiting for someone to notice her. Martha walks out.)

Martha: Miss Stubbs?

Joanie: I guess you're near ready to take the children over. Or are you ready now? Do I keep you from it?

Martha: Oh, I'm, I'm taking the children in an hour's time. Just now you give us happy respite from our numbers.

Joanie: Anyways, Mose says the man was a Norwegger from Wisconsin, built the building around the tree so as to have sap on hand for syrup, which must taste like hell for being burr oak, but... probably smells nice in a lamp.

Martha: Does anyone know why he left?

Joanie: No luck on that score. Far as that, we came up empty. It's too bad.

Martha: It's freer rein for the children's imaginations.

Joanie: Fewer facts, I guess, to trample.

Martha: I hope that you'll walk with us, Miss Stubbs.

Joanie: Oh... (she turns to leave as if to say no, then stops) Sure.

Martha: Good. I'll see you in an hour.

(Cut to the bank, there's a long line of people waiting at the teller's window, Fields is talking to Alma)

Alma: I recognize, Mr. Fields, that in any foreseeable future, Steve will not resume operations of the livery or pay on his note to the bank. Be assured I am grateful for the expedient care you have taken of the livery and its occupants, having no obligation in this matter of any kind.

Fields: No shadow ought be on Hostetler's reputation, that sold to Steve, by me now taking leave.

Alma: No reasonable person would cast one.

Fields: I guess I can head out then, knowing the one in a 100 that is, won't sully Hostetler's name. I got a life to live of my own.

Alma: As do all here in the camp.

Fields: (Turns and heads for the door) Sorry to hold you all up.

(Cut to Merrick's office, as the Pinkerton leader enters.)

Leader: Jesus Christ, whoever thought I'd come to write an article?

Merrick: Have you a notice you wish circulated, Sir?

Leader: What?

Merrick: By "Article" do you mean you have some notice you'd wish published?

Leader: By "article" I mean a fucking article. (He steps closer)

Merrick: What would be your article's subject?

Leader: You're a fat fucking bastard, ain't ya?

Merrick: I think we ought best continue our conversation Sir, when you're not under the influence of spirits.

Leader: Something stupid looking about you.

Merrick: I must insist you leave.

Leader: Fucking irritating! How you look makes me fucking embarrassed! (He pulls his cane out of it's sheath and swats Merrick across the face, Merrick gasps and falls to his knees, Blazanov stands up.)

Merrick: Oh dear.

Leader: "Oh dear"!? (He starts punching Merrick repeatedly. Throwing him to the floor when he's done.) Oh dear. (He grabs his walking stick, heads to the door, smiling, turns to Blazanov.) You'd better come help your friend.

Blazanov: (having watched from a distance, he rushes over) Mr. Merrick, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

(Cut to the Gem saloon, where Al is with Wu.)

MrWu: Swedgin, Hearst, Heng Dai?

Al: We're the opposite of fucking Heng Dai! We're ... bok gwai Lo, the two of us.

MrWu: Bok gwai lo?

Al: Fuck bok gwai lo! We're not fucking heng dai! We're the opposite of fucking heng dai. Now make your fucking point.

MrWu: Yah! Swedgin! Hearst! Eek!

Al: Jesus fucking Christ. (Wu taps on his sketch)

MrWu: `150 chung kuo cocksucka. Custer.

Al: He's dead, for Christ's sake, Wu! Hey, how about the canoe? Did you know that had been fucking invented yet, huh?

MrWu: Custer, chung kuo cocksucka, 150, Custer. (Johnny studies the sketch)

Johnny: Custer City? (Wu taps the sketch)

MrWu: Oh! Custer City!

Johnny: Wu's holding his men outside Custer City.

MrWu: Huh.

Johnny: 'Cause you and Hearst are on the outs. (He looks up at Al, smiling and nodding. Al suddenly punches Johnny in the face. Dan smirks.)

Al: (goes to the bar) Clever precautionary fucking thinking, Wu.

(Cut the freight office, where Jack is with Charlie as Joanie approaches.)

Charlie: Miss Stubbs.

Joanie: Mr. Utter. Mr. Langrishe.

Jack: The blessed Miss Stubbs, whose bust is so very prominent in the mind's pantheon of the camp.

Joanie: Some not 50 yards from us will put these of mine to shame.

Jack: As I've made to Mr. Utter a proposal, the answer to which he must generate only in privacy and after meditation, if you'll excuse, I'll take my leave.

Joanie: Well, I will too.

Jack: No no no, Miss Stubbs. It is only I from whom he must be sequestered. Your counsel may be invaluable. If you can cartwheel or puff your cheeks like a fish... we have a festivity tonight. I'll live in hope you'll attend. (He leaves)

Charlie: There is a strange fucking bird. Some kind of, uh, amateur night he's organizing, connected with his theater. Some way I couldn't fathom. A prelude, he called it. Fuckin' Jane ought to break out her bullwhip.

Joanie: I nearly came to know for Mrs. Bullock to tell the children why that schoolhouse has a tree growing through it.

Charlie: The new one has a tree growing through it?

Joanie: Who the man was, why he built around the tree instead of cutting it down. Mose couldn't find out where he got to.

Charlie: Why does she need to know where the man got to for Mrs. Bullock to tell the children about the tree?

Joanie: To finish the story.

Charlie: More than where the man got to once he was through, I'd think the story was of the tree and the schoolhouse built around it. (Joanie nods) I guess you're right, though. I, I guess children are like that, wanting to know all the information. I guess that's how they are. (She looks out into the street.) You got something to send, Miss Stubbs?

Joanie: I was just stopping by to say good morning.

(Charlie grins and nods.)

(Cut to the Gem, Silas and Hugo Jarry sit. Hugo pours a drink as Dan and Johnny watch from the bar.)

Hugo: Friends become adversaries. Become now, I hope, friends again.

Silas: Doing any good for yourself?

Hugo: Oh, hard of late, Adams, doing that in Yankton. That is something you would be aware.

Silas: From what I read on the crapper.

Hugo: Washington harasses us for our difficulties in distribution to the Indians, thereby distracting the nation at large from Washington's own fiscal turpitudes and miasms.

Silas: There amongst the turpitudes and miasms, you got caught stealing the money.

Hugo: The money was not stolen. There was an amount of siphoning off and certain irregularlities.

Silas: Sounds like it was regular as milking Bessie, 96 on the dollar.

Hugo: Rank exaggeration.

Silas: If it was less than 90, you fucked generations of Indian Agents to come.

Hugo: If saying so will let us go on, then, yes, we stayed above 90.

Silas: And did you lay a few cents by?

Hugo: A few. Never enough. Your star here is in ascension?

Silas: I've been keeping busy.

Hugo: Tell me how. Don't delete a single detail.

Silas: That's a pretty taut line, Mr. Jarry, not knowing how deep your hook's set yet.

Hugo: How deep would 500 set it, time being of the fucking essence?

Silas: Hard to know till it's inside my pocket.

Hugo: I'd rather not produce it in this place.

Silas: Worse gets produced here pretty regular.

Hugo: Much has been answered already. Little has fucking changed.

(Cut to Al's room, where Doc is seeing to Merrick on Al's bed. Al and Blasanoz look on)

Merrick: Ugh, it was nightmarish. Whatever cogent purpose the man may have had, his drunkenness kept him from conveying, and yet I had the eerie sense he knew what he was doing.

Al: Maybe not so drunk as he seemed, huh?

(Merrick moans, Al steps out onto the balcony to see the Earps driving their wagon back into town. The load they carry is nothing more than a few pine saplings.)

(Cut to the hotel, where the Pinkerton leader is reporting to Hearst)

Hearst: Details, Sir. Did the newspaperman try to defend himself? Did he beg you to stop? Did he cry out?

Leader: He said "Oh dear." Was bleeding and curled up like a baby. (Hearst laughs)

(Cut to Al's room again, Doc is examining Merrick.)

Doc: I'm guessing your bottom rib is cracked, and this contusion at your belly show the colors of the rainbow before it's through with you.

Merrick: Apparently, my expiration is not imminent.

Doc: 'Course, I'm wrong as much as I am right.

Merrick: What purpose might the man have had, Al, in feigning drunkenness?

Al: Allow you to penetrate the pretense? Teach fear while inflicting pain? You printed any letters lately, Merrick, that some miserable cocksucker would send an underling to punish you for? Hmm?

Merrick: Bastard.

Blazanov: I should be ashamed that I didn't come to help. I'm so sorry, Mr. Merrick, my dear friend.

Al: Oh, cut it the fuck out, the both of you, unless you want to act to the cocksucker's purpose. (Blazanov reaches into his coat and pulls out a telegram, holding it out to Al with some pride.)

Blazanov: This came for the cocksucker, Mr. Swearengen. (Al reads it)

Al: Take it to him.

Blazanov: I'd like to punch him.

Al: Give him the fucking telegram, and no punching. (Blazanov leaves.)

Doc: Long pulls on the laudanum as needed. (Sets a bottle on the night-stand)

Al: Check out that sow Tina, Doc, when the opportunity presents. That ain't the whiff of roses when she passes. (Doc leaves.)

Merrick: Ugh. Have I bled on your bed linens, Al?

Al: You wouldn't be the first.

(Cut to an alley by the hardware store, the Earps are unloading their saplings)

Morgan: Shit.

(Pinkerton's gallop down the street, catching Seth's attention from inside the hardware store. Sol readies his derringer.)

Seth: Do yourself a favor, Sol. Stop thinking of that derringer as a problem solver.

Trixie: It solved several for me. (Seth smiles, Wyatt walks up outside holding two saplings.)

Wyatt: Free fucking kindling, if you have need for it.

Morgan: Our timber lease ain't nothing but pecker poles.

Man: (The Pinkerton who earlier harassed Morgan) Let's see them blisters... Hiram. (Morgan holds up a hand, smiles, turns, pulls his gun and shoots the man in the leg.)

Man: Aw! Son of a... (The man falls)

Wyatt: Jesus Christ, Morgan! (He hurries over to the man and pulls the man's gun from it's holster, laying it on the ground next to him.)

Seth: Stay inside. Stay in here. (Seth approaches the Earps and the Pinkertons)

Man: Help me.

Morgan: I did, you motherless cunt, to bleed out in the fucking mud. (The leader approaches, and Seth fires his gun into the air)

Seth: Stand away till I find out what happened here!

Wyatt: That fight was fair.

Leader: Bullshit! Corey was under orders not to draw.

Seth: Man's gun's out of its holster.

Leader: Was it you took it out after he was down?

Seth: Do you say I did? That saw me come from my store as you came down the boardwalk?

Leader: I say someone did. Corey had orders not to draw. (Seth grabs the leader by the ear and drags him along.)

Seth: You're fucking under arrest.

Leader: What for?

Seth: For interfering with a fucking peace officer. (To the Earps) Come with me for questioning.

Wyatt: All right.

Morgan: All right, Sheriff.

Seth: (to the leader as his men are moving) You tell your men to interfere. Give me a reason to do what I want.

(Cut to Hearst's room at the hotel as Blazanov knocks.)

Blazanov: Cheyenne and Black Hills Telegraph Company, Mr. Hearst.

Hearst: Mr. Blazanov.

Blazanov: Telegram for George Hearst. (Hearst reaches for a coin) I decline your gratuity, Sir. Change in policy.

(Cut to the kitchen where Lou is teaching Richardson how to cure a ham. Richardson is rubbing the ham with salt)

Lou: So where you gonna take this, Richardson?

Richardson: To finish curing in the smokehouse.

Lou: How long you gonna leave it in there?

Richardson: Three weeks.

Lou: How you remember three weeks is up?

Richardson: The notch where I sleep. Beside the notches for my other hams.

Lou: You getting the hang of this, Richardson. So next time I ain't gonna asked you. Only check did you make your notch.

Richardson: You'll find it made, Aunt Lou. (Hearst enters, Aunt Lou looks nervous)

Hearst: Would you excuse us, Sir?

Richardson: Yes. (He grabs the ham and leaves. Hearst pauses.)

Hearst: Odell is dead.

Lou: Jesus, help me.

Hearst: They found him near the road to Rapid City.

Lou: How they sure it's Odell?

Hearst: The letters I gave him were still on his person, and his Bible bore his name. (Aunt Lou starts to cry, Hearst tries to take her in his arms to comfort her, she pushes him away.)

Lou: Get away from 'round me, Sir!

Hearst: You don't have to feign strength with me, Aunt Lou.

Lou: I ain't pretending shit! Get the hell away from 'round me, Sir! (She pushes him aside and runs away) Oh God! Oh my God!

(Cut to a back alley, Mose has found Jane asleep on a pile of bottles and junk.)

Jane: Get out of my fucking light.

Mose: It's me.

Jane: Who is me? The fucking eclipse?

Mose: Mose Manuel.

Jane: Oh, really? I thought it ... it was Giganto, the runaway circus elephant.

Mose: Miss Stubbs has been looking for you. Those kids need chaperoning to the new schoolhouse, Jane. (Jane turns away, and puts her hands to her ears, shutting her eyes.)

Jane: I cannot hear you, nor can I see you any longer. (Mose grabs her.)

Mose: You fucking drunken slob! (Jane reacts with fear)

Jane: Oh! (He stops and she stares seething at Mose, wide eyed.)

Mose: Get up and walk them kids.

Jane: Okay, Giganto! Don't tusk me to death with your tusks. (She steadies herself, sheathing her gun.) How long do I have to assemble myself?

Mose: They'll be ready to go in a few minutes.

Jane: Shut up.

(Cut to the smokehouse, where Richardson and Lou are embracing.)

Richardson: I'm sorry, Mama. I'm so sorry.

Lou: I can't take it. I can't take it.

(Cut to the jail / freight office. Seth is seated talking to the Earps while the Pinkerton leader is locked in the cell)

Seth: Who produced their weapon first?

Wyatt: Said they come out the same time.

Morgan: We drew as one.

Leader: That's a fucking lie.

Charlie: Come here a second. (Leader looks at Charlie — Charlie punches him through the cell bars.) Shut up.

Seth: Are you as sure about your timber lease?

Wyatt: What do you mean? (Leaning over, ready to sign his statement)

Seth: As that this is truthful. Are you as sure that lease ain't worth fuck-all?

Morgan: Absolutely fucking certain.

Seth: Then nothing holds you here. And arguing against you staying is who this fuck-head works for, and the man you shot in the fair fight. (Wyatt smiles a half-grin) Best you move on, taking your genius brother with you.

Morgan: Um... I ain't showed myself to advantage here, Sheriff. I'm fully fucking aware.

(Cut to the street, we see Bellagarde walking in a sandwich board, advertising amateur night. At the Chez Amie, Martha is mustering the kids and lining them up for the march to the new school)

Martha: Line up right there. Stop. Stop. You're gonna stop right there. Right there, stop. Okay, step this way right here. (Joanie is there as Jane approaches unsteadily.)Okay, stop. Stand right here. (Jane crosses the thoroughfare, joining Joanie.) Thank you. You can carry that.

Jane: Stay close. I might need you for support.

Boy: I don't want to hold her hand.

Martha: You can lock arms instead. (whispering) Hey, okay, go ahead. Miss Stubbs?

(She motions to Joanie to lead the way. Holding hands, she and Jane lead the procession to the new schoolhouse. People along the street stop and watch the procession.)

(Cut to the jail, where Johnny is arriving.)

Johnny: Sheriff? (Seth stands)

Seth: Tell him I ain't coming for his lecture. Tell him I don't need it. Tell him if my temper was gonna get the best of me, this cocksucker's brains would be on the floor. Tell him I got it. All right? Tell him I'm on top of it.

(Johnny nods and leaves. Wyatt looks at Seth momentarily. Charlie steps to the door and sees the procession of schoolchildren led by Joanie and Jane.)

Charlie: Sheriff. (Seth steps to the door, standing next to Charlie. Charlie nods down the street at the children, Seth follows his gaze.)

Seth: They're finished, Charlie. (He leaves)

Charlie: I got it.

Seth: I told Mrs. Bullock I'd walk with her.

Charlie: Well, go ahead. Hello to Miss Stubbs.

(Alma comes out of the bank to watch the children, Seth passes her, they nod to each other. Seth joins Martha, she takes his arm and they walk. Sofia waves to Alma. Alma waves back and smiles. The Earps watch from the jail. Al and Hearst both watch from their balconies. Johnny motions to Al that Seth's all right. The parade moves along.)

( Cut to the street, it's night now. A crowd is gathering for amateur night. The soap guy is working the crowd.)

Soap Guy: Soap! Soap with a prize inside! Guaranteed prize in every case of soap! Soap! Soap with a prize inside.

(Jack walks out onto a small wooden stage in front of the theater and addresses the crowd)

Jack: Hello! As we have in Chicago, Denver and San Francisco, the Langrishe Troupe bids welcome to the Deadwood Camp! (The crowd applauds) Nights to come will find us on the stage within. Our enactments may bring an odd tear to the eye, and may be relied upon to produce guffaws and howls of laughter. This evening, however, in memoriam of a passing colleague, whose jocund spirit hovers over our gay fiesta, I will give you his favorite epithet. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Tonight, we will be the audience to you. (Applause. We see a man standing in the crowd with a sigh that says: "Can cry at will")

(Cut to the hotel kitchen, Lou is cooking as Hearst enters.)

Hearst: How you feeling, Aunt Lou?

Lou: I'm getting dinner ready.

Hearst: Don't. Isn't right you serving supper to strangers when you're in such grief.

Lou: I want to.

Hearst: No. (Jarry is entering the dining room)

Hugo: Ahem.

Hearst: Kitchen's closed.

Hugo: The sustenance I would take in any case, Mr. Hearst, like a newly-hatched bird, would come, I would hope, from your mouth. (Jarry makes a number if bird impressions, chirping and mimicking a young bird looking for food from it's parent. He looks quite ridiculous. Hearst is stunned, and finally moves to ascend the stairs with Jarry following)

Hearst: Don't follow so damn close. (Hugo pauses a moment then follows. Aunt Lou continues to cry as she slices potatoes.)

Lou: (To herself) Kill you if I could, George Hearst.

(Cut to the street)

Jack: Sir! Do you tumble! Do you have a colleague! Tumble, Sir! Tumble away!

Soap Guy: Soap with a prize inside! (The crowd cheers as the men called up on stage play leap frog.)

Jack: Magnificent! Well done! Bravo! A round of applause for our dueling gymnastics! And again, who's there next? Our pick of the week?! On you go, Sir.(He calls up a man with a pickaxe who procedes to balance it on his chin.) Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Young lady, you'd raised your hand. I have a sense you might favor us with a song. (A blond lady is helped up onto the stage by the Countess. We see Fields wheeling stuperous Steve over to "watch" the show.)

Lady: Jesus loves me. This I know. (she sings the bible song) I know that the hand...

Hoople: (This is the crazy ex-soldier who in Season 1 was talking about eating his mare. He is talking to the man with the crying sign) When my dad died, I didn't even cry. Here you are, I'll give you a dollar. You cry right for him right now.

Jack: Oh! Look at this! Look! (We see a man balancing a plank on his chin. The lady continues to sing.)

Man: (A drunk hoople jumps onto the stage and grabs the singing lady) That is the best fucking thing I have ever heard in my life. (He tries to kiss her.)

Jack: Indeed it is, Sir!

Lady: Get off me, Sir!

Jack: Thank you, young lady, Thank you!

(We see the entire camp is out to watch the show.)

Hoople: (Addressing the crying man who is supposed to be crying for his dead father) Hell, it's easy for you. You didn't know the cocksucker.

(Cut to the jail, where Seth and Charlie are releasing the Pinkerton leader.)

Leader: What's the upshot?

Seth: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Leader: I was arrested, I was locked up. What's the upshot? (Seth tugs his nose, Charlie gives the leader back his gunbelt.)

Charlie: Go and sin no more. (leader leaves)

Seth: Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Where?

Seth: Go ahead to the fucking amateur night.

Charlie: You don't mind? All right. I believe I'll attend badgeless, Lest I put a damper on stupidities. (laughs)

(Cut to Alma's house as she is brushing Sophia's hair and pretending to look behind Sophia's ears.)

Alma: Hmm. (gasps) (Sofia turns around) Hmm. (She reaches out to Sofia's ear and produces a gold coin.)

Sofia: Grandpa's trick!

Alma: It is, yes. And we oughtn't to let that spoil it for us.

(Cut to the show where a man is doing rope tricks.)

Jack: Such elegance! Such dexterity! Ah, magnifico, magnifico! (The "woman in red" is seen coming to watch the show.) Let's hear it for the lariat lad.

(Cut to the Gem saloon. Al is alone in the room, behind the bar. The man who balances the plank on his chin walks in and starts to perform)

Al: Get outta here with that fucking nonsense. Get outta here before I cut your fucking throat! (The man stops and retreats.) Go on! Fucking amateur night. Some people gotta... fucking work, hmm?

(We see Seth at the jail, writing in a book. Next we see Jen and Johnny watching the show. A woman dressing in Arabic belly dancing type garb is approaching the stage)

Claudia: Look at this! ( The belly dancer is dancing, the crowd atard drumming and clapping.)

Jack: A mystery from the east. (We see Cy, alone at the Bella Union. Then we see the Earps riding out of town. The dancer is twirling.) Magnificent, young lady. (Claudia looks at Jack, with jealousy) Well done, young lady. Well done, well done. (The audience cheers and Claudia hurries the dancer back into the crowd.) Ah!

(Cut to the new school, Joanie is sweeping as she and Jane clean up.)

Jane: Little fucking James, huh?

Joanie: He is a chatterbox.

Jane: "Why why why?" Shut the fuck up and maybe you'll find out.

Joanie: He liked the tree house most of any. (We see there's a sort of tree house in the top of the tree in the middle of the room)

Jane: What's a tree house doing way the fuck up there? I like them school kids.

(Cut to the show, as Richardson is approaching the stage. He's in his top hat and tails, juggling 3 rocks.)

Jack: Well done, well done. Ah! Orbs of gold! The wonderful Mr. Richardson. (The crowd cheers. E.B. stands up.) And his magic orbs. (Richardson juggles) And again, Sir, and again. (He dances as he juggles) And again, Sir! Hidden talents!

EB: Richardson! (The crowd boos as E.B. stops the fun.) You're done.

Jack: Envy is a cardinal sin, Mr. Farnum. Cardinal sin.

(We see Ellsworth watching the show. Above, on the hotel porch roof, Hearst is talking to Jarry. Jarry is clinging to the building, afraid of the height)

Hearst: How many are they?

Hugo: 265 soldiers have bivouacked near Sturgis now. Another 200 could be brought to the hills if needed.

Hearst: Why can't the soldiers near Sturgis vote twice?

Hugo: Reinforcements are available should poll watchers prove hostile to repeaters.

Hearst: Come forward, God damn it. My back fucking worsens.

Hugo: I am so sorry, Sir.

Hearst: Better you dizzy than me have to turn around and look at you.

Hugo: These votes will support (creeping from rafter to rafter by the windows) candidates of your preference in each office, Mr. Hearst, as if cast by you yourself. My stringent instruction from Governor Pennington is to convey upon my return a confirmation in your hand that ... that we have had this conversation.

Hearst: Then the Governor in turn confirms the rumor he's a moron.

Hugo: (laughs) My heavens, no. I do mean that he would seek your signature on any itemizing of particulars, merely to confirm the fact that I spoke to you.(He holds the document out for Hearst, who looks at him.)

(Cut to the school, Cy is approaching the doorway)

Jane: Oh My God.

Cy: Oft confused with the most high, though our inseams got different lengths.

Jane: Fuck you. Fuck you! (She drops her broom in fear and runs out the back door.)

Joanie: You can't come in here, Cy.

Cy: I suppose I could if I want to.

Joanie: If you need us to talk, we can do it somewheres else. It ain't for you to come in here.

Cy: Fuck you, Joanie Stubbs, and your fucked-out whores thinking what's mine to come into and ain't. (She steps closer.) Come on, girl. Come on close. Come on.

(Jane runs to Mose who is sitting in back of the building)

Jane: Mose! Help, Miss Stubbs. I'm too afraid. (Mose jumps up and runs around to the front.)

Cy: What a lovely tree inside a building. Is that a darling fucking tree house in the precious fucking branches for the shitheel little kids to play amongst in jolly joy?

Mose: (brandishing a walking stick) Get away, you!

Cy: Well now, Mose.

Mose: Go on!

Cy: You fat bastard. I'll hold your heart in my hand for your beady little rat eyes to look at before I shove it down your fucking throat!

Joanie: Cy!

Cy: (laughs) I wonder how till tonight I found my way in the world at all, not having my steps directed at every fucking quarter.

Joanie: Go along.

Cy: I got fucking places to go. (He leaves, clanging the schoolbell as he walks by, which frightens Jane. Jane takes Joanie's hand)

(Cut to the show, we see Fields is watching with stuporous Steve in the cart)

Fields: Isn't this fun, man? Huh?

Jack: Ah! The camp giant! (The drunk man offers the lady a sip of his bottle, she takes it.)

Giant: Oh! (He holds up a large sledgehammer with one hand, steadily bringing it down to within an inch of his face, stopping just shy.)

Jack: What a figure! What a figure. Look at this! Look at this! Look at that, Ladies and Gentlemen. (applause) Well done! Bravo, bravo! Bravo. Magnificent. (A man pulls his glass eye out) Ah! Look at that!

Man: Look at my eye. (showing ti to the crowd)

(We see Hearst is signing Jarry's document. He notices the Pinkerton leader entering the hotel below, and goes back inside.)

(Cut to the Gem saloon, Al begins to sing himself a song)

Al: ♫ As I was a-walking down by St. James Hospital

♫ As I was a walking down by there one day

♫ Who should I spy but one of my comrades

♫ All wrapped up in flannel and gray was the day

♫ I asked him what ailed him

♫ I asked him what failed him

♫ I asked him the cause of all his complaint

♫ 'Twas all on account of some handsome young woman

♫ 'tis the reason why I weep and lament.

♫ If she had but told me before she disordered me

♫ If she had but told me all but in time

♫ I mighta got pills and salts of white mercury

♫ But now I'm cut down in the height of my prime.

♫ Get six young soldiers to carry my coffin

♫ And six young girls to sing me a song

♫ I let each of them bear a bunch of green laurel

♫ So they don't have to smell me as they bear me along.

♫ So don't muffle your drums and play your fifes merrily

♫ And play a quick march as you carry me along

♫ And blaze your bright muskets all over my coffin

♫ Saying there goes an unfortunate lad to his home.

(drinks) Ah! (He starts wiping the bar down again.)

The End

Written by: Nick Towne & Zack Whedon

Directed by : Adam Davidson

Al Swearengen: Ian McShane Dan Dority: W Earl Brown Seth Bullock: Timothy Olyphant Alma Garret: Molly Parker Ellsworth: Jim Beaver Doc Cochran: Brad Dourif Sol Star: John Hawkes Trixie: Paula Malcomson Tom Nuttall: Leon Rippy Cy Tolliver: Powers Boothe Con Stapleton: Peter Jason Leon: Larry Cedar Sophia: Bree Seanna Wall E.B. Farnum: William Sanderson Calamity Jane: Robin Weigert Charlie Utter: Dayton Callie Johnny Burns: Sean Bridgers Jack McCall: Garret Dillihunt Jewel: Geri Jewell A. W. Merrick: Jeffrey Jones Rev. Smith: Ray McKinnon Brom Garret: Timothy Omundson Mr. Wu: Keone Young Joanie Stubbs: Kim Dickens Eddie Sawyer: Ricky Jay Andy Cramed: Zach Grenier Silas Adams: Titus Welliver Otis Russell: William Russ Martha Bullock: Anna Gunn Francis Wolcott: Garret Dillihunt Hugo Jarry: Stephen Toblowsky Steve: Michael Harney Mose Manual: Pruitt Taylor Vince Blazanov: Pavel Lychnikoff Richardson: Ralph Richeson Harry Manning: Brent Sexton Jack Langrishe: Brian Cox Aunt Lou Marchbanks: Cleo King Claudia: Cynthia Ettinger Odell: Omar Gooding Jen (the whore): Jennifer Lutheran Gustave, the tailor: Gordon Clapp Wyatt Earp: Gale Harold Morgan Earp: Austin Nichols
Transcription last updated on 03/23/2007
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